Serving God or serving self

Serving self is tiresome. It involves being full of intricate plans I'm just sure would make me happy if only they would all come off. Then they don't. And I'm angry. Or depressed. Or something. Just not happy, damn it. And then you need something to take the edge off. Perhaps a small glass of warm gin, or an entire loaf of white bread just from the oven, or losing about ten thousand pounds on the poker table. A little lift: who doesn't need a little lift now and then; after all, I'm only human, right? Sure, I'm human, but only human? As though I should be something more? This is all the wrong way round. What I should say is 'I'm more than animal'. An animal is propelled by impulses. A human, too, can be propelled by impulses, the automaton glove puppet controlled by urges, desires, wishes, and so on, all apparently in expression of the person's individuality. You think choosing this job rather than that job, this pair of shoes rather than that pair of shoes, this partner rather than that partner makes you an individual, something more than an automaton, something more than an animal? Wrong. It means you're just a more sophisticated animal, just as driven, just as propelled, just as subject to forces beyond your control. Consider this next time you're making yourself sick on ice cream or toffees. To break out of the system you have to exercise your free will. That doesn't mean changing job, changing country, or changing anything outside of yourself. It means deciding to do God's will and overriding self-will, with God's strength. Only then do you stop being a dancing monkey with an eating disorder or a tiny little sex addiction, hardly worth mentioning. And why do you do God's will? Because of who is asking. The creator of the universe wants you to do something, you personally, and you're going to quibble over whether or not the creator's plan is expeditious or appropriate? Stop quibbling. Abandon the sinking ship. Serve God and leave self behind, with its drives and Bad Habits. Will you feel better? Wrong question. That's the question self asks; that's the question the thing we're trying to escape would ask. Actually, you will feel better, but that's not the point. The point is the freedom to choose to be free, which, paradoxically, only voluntarily serving can provide.